Journal of Submission

Apr 1st 2001 I'm very tired, i got in bed late and I'm up at 8 am. 

Apr 2nd 2001 Long day with Mistress Tara. Over all a good day. 

I'm still under watch, no surprise there. She did refer to my fetishes a few times over the course of the day. 

After putting up 2 TV stands in room 1, i talked with Mistress Tara about things that are going on and then had 45 minutes of playtime with Mistress Mae Ling and Mistress Fiona. i was blindfolded; there were spankings with a wooden paddle and spoon, several floggings. i was able to control my breathing and watch myself to a point. It hurt a great deal but felt great. They were really hard on me. In at 2am.

I'm suppose to look into nail tech training and high colonic enemas.

Apr 7th 2000 REALLY tired today.

i feel like things are being fed to me in small bites so that i can be tested in each bite. i know lots of testing is going on and i think I'm doing ok for the most part. Its pretty tough, the constant pressure and all. I'm trying and doing my best ? that's all i can do, that and hope for the best.

This really feels like a lot of weight right now. I've been here before with the pressure. i felt this kind of pressure when i got into trouble with her phone number. i feel a little smarter now, and a little better able to handle it.

i asked for some time off, she wasn't totally against it, but didn't jump up and say yes. 

i am spending a lot more time with Mistress Tara, i give her a ride home almost every night, we do talk, I'm very careful about what i say. I've gotten in trouble may times before for just talking and making conversation. Its hard having to me on my game so much of the time, but I'm getting used to it.

Working hard on my chauffer skills, I'm planning routes and looking for potholes before I'm in them and focusing. 

Apr 9th 2001 Work in the dungeon.

Mistress Fiona claims that i was curt with her. 

Drove Mistress Tara and Mistress Victoria to a club on the lower east side. Mistress Tara looked amazing.

By the time i got back to the dungeon i was really upset. i felt really sad that i could not dress up in any way. Went into the men's room and had a pretty good cry.

i had to call Mistress Tara to tell her how i was feeling. i could not hold back. Luckily, i have been able to hold the cross-dressing back but it has been really hard. That tiger is out of the cage.

i really didn't sleep, just too upset. I'm highly, highly frustrated. i have done everything i can and still I'm on some level of probation. i adore Mistress Tara; she knows that, it shows in everything i do. 

I'm really sad and I'm beginning to feel a little lost again.

Apr 14th 2001 I am really tired, also pretty black and blue from the beating. i didn't sleep again last night. This cant be good for me.

I'm really sad, i feel lost and forgotten. i have virtually no physical contact with any other human being. i wish there was more to this than just hard, hard work in the dungeon. Maybe its time to take a break, this has been really intense for a really long time.

i just need something from Mistress Tara, it could be almost anything. This has been such a hard trip back from my mistake. The work has been so hard, but the cerebral part has been almost unbearable. Mistress Tara has been really nice to me, however.

Its been about 5 months since i was cross-dressing on a regular basis and I'm going crazy. Part of me feels jealous, Mistress Tara looked amazing and she was going out, and i was not allowed.

i think I'm being played for another test. Mistress Tara knows I'm tired and i have a lot of new information about her and she is being really nice to me. See the pattern? I'm also holding an envelope for her that was directly referred to as a test, that's one i will pass!

Apr 15th 2001 i feel a lot better about myself than i did on Thursday and Friday. God, i felt horrible. No sleep plays a big part in it.

Apr 16th 2001 several hours work in the dungeon, and play with Mistress Delilah. This time it was anal pleasures with Mistress Delilah. At one point she had 3 fingers in me and it was pure heaven. i get so excited by this, a lot more than when i do it for my self. i never new this stuff was so exciting. i really hope to get back to this stuff with my owner.

Apr 21st 2001 Total body cleansing day, it always feels good.

From the beatings that i get on a seemingly regular basis, my ass is beginning to get nicely calloused, as is my soul. 

After working for the evening, i was given some play with Mistress Fiona. i was punished for being curt and not listening well enough to Mistress Tara. i was beaten on my feet, flogged and paddled, it all hurt but in a good way. i was able to get very into the breathing, during part of a hard flogging; it didn't hurt at all, when the breathing wasn't working it hurt again.

i was also given a teaser for my cross-dressing. i was allowed to wear panties for a few minutes. Mistress Fiona said that i was not ready yet but i was on my way and gave me a tug on my hair. 

The cross-dressing really fell off when the new project took off.

i feel really isolated in the normal part of my life, but more fulfilled in this part of my life.

Apr 22nd 20011:00 PM called Mistress Tara to apologize for not paying attention last night. In retrospect, i brought some of me own problems to work with me and could not get them off my mind. Hence, my lack of attention. At least i can recognize this pretty easily these days. i don't have to dig real deep for the basics anymore.

Mistress Tara's response was Good (pause), Good. She seemed to be very receptive (almost pleased) toward this.

i feel like i became more submissive to Mistress Tara over the last two days. Perhaps She and i are in fact moving to a new level, it feels like it and i hope so. i do feel isolated, however ok about. Being owned by Mistress Tara is good. It is not an easy thing to do. It takes a strong man to be owned by Mistress Tara.

Results of a physical, I'm down 5 lbs since the February testis shot. Good but not much more weight loss maybe a pound or two and that's it.

i do want to do the high colonic cleansing that Mistress Tara spoke of. 

Over all I'm still very happy about being Mistress Tara's personal slave, tired but very happy.

Apr 23rd 2001 General work in the dungeon. 

When it came to play time the truth came out ? i felt horrible. Mistress Tara gave me the sweetest going over with the single tail. It really didn't hurt too badly at all. My breathing was right. 

Next came Mistress Mei Ling for a pretty sever beating, but the timing was really bad. i was going to ask her to stop, but i was scared to. i couldn't handle it, i felt a blood instinct rising in me and i couldn't help it. i was really scared i was going to turn on her. Finally i yelled MOTHER FUCKER and she got pissed and stopped. I've never felt that before, that intensely before only for momentary bursts. i felt every muscle in my body tense up like a spring. i felt intense bottled up rage in my eyes and in my fists.

Yelling that seems to have been an unconscious safety valve calling for help.

i had seriously considered calling and canceling for the night, but i didn't, rationalizing that what kind of commitment and obedience would that be? i was pretty sure i would get in trouble for it. i said a while back that she would see the real me and that's what she got last night. She and i talked and she wanted to know what was going on.

i asked Mistress Tara if i had any ability to opt out of play ? she didn't answer. She questioned what was going on with me. i thought i was going to be in trouble ? but i don't think i am. Its ok if i do.

i called on the way down the block to thank her for hearing me; she said that we work through it and that i would feel better. And to go home and get some rest. i think i finally see that she really does care for me, it finally sunk in to me.

Rest however, never really came.

Apr 24th 2001 I feel horrible about last night.

The first thing i wanted to do was to put on my secretarial outfit, its clear that I'm using that to hide behind when I'm scared. Actually i derive a lot of comfort from it. I'm really scared right now.

Given the events of last night, i no longer have any reason to be scared of Mistress Tara. 

Apr 28th 2001 I feel a little better, i finally got some rest. 

i feel like, if i could just put on my secretarial outfit i would get some comfort.

Play time was changed to earlier in the night so I'm not so tired.

Two of the new Mistresses (Mistress Cassandra and Mistress???) did anal play. First i put on a red long line bra, we forgot the girdle. i got a pretty big dildo shoved in me with little warm up. It hurt like hell. Mistress Cassandra used her fingers and that felt a lot better. During that i went up and down on a dildo with my mouth ? it was pretty hot.

i was told that i was a slut and that i was going to do this for real someday. i found that pretty exciting and very scary. 

i wish this wasn't so hard. i know that Mistress Tara is trying to teach me a lesson and have it stick. i don't blame her, i deserved it, but the debt is paid. i hope that the bliss that i have experienced with cross-dressing doesn't disappear.

I'm being spoon fed each piece, seems like one a week. i think stockings will be next ? just a guess, but i bet its right.

Apr 30th 2001 it was a very frustrating workday in the dungeon, couldn't get anything done. i didn't have tools for this, needed to buy stuff for that, it went on and on forever.

i have NICE clothes and i can be a great maid, I'm unsure why I'm not doing that.

i really want to get back to the training that Mistress Syren and i were doing before all the crap happened. i feel a lot better about myself overall and I'm ready to do more with my cross-dressing and looking deeper into myself.

Tonight, i have a back waxing appointment. This appears to be a next step toward my cross-dressing. Mistress Tara said during her single tail work last week that it wasn't very feminine, so off it comes. i look forward to it.

After the waxing, i feel more naked. It hurt a bit. I'd be willing to bet there is more waxing to come.

< Previous Month || Next Month >