Journal of Submission

Dec 3^rd 2001               At work in the dungeon, i am to do secretarial work, so that means i must be dressed for the part.

Dressing, i start off with what Mistress Tara refers to as the three-piece suit.  my three-piece suit starts with my white corset, followed by an open bottom girdle and finally a long line bra.  Before all of that i strip and put on my collar and white Victoria’s Secret panties.  The collar is the usual mainstay that has been constantly in place for a couple of years now.  It feels odd to not wear it sometimes.  Next i pull on my cotton panties.  Sitting on down on the toilet, first i put my right foot in then my left, i stand and pull them up over my butt.  They are cut higher on the leg than my regular panties and the waistband rises a little higher that the others. They are comfortable and clean.

Now on to the three-piece suit.  With my collar and panties in place, i wrap the white corset around my torso and begin to hook the busk.  i start near the bottom at the second hook.  Then i use that as a pivot to get the others hooked.  Once the busk is completely hooked, i begin to pull the laces.  Lately i have focused more on the top laces than the bottom.  The top is where i need the help and the when i lace the bottom too tight my legs fall asleep.  That’s not good; it can cause nervous system damage.  It is also really hard to move around, so i get in trouble.

With the corset in place i step into the open bottom girdle and pull it up around my torso.  i straighten the lines so it is centered and at the right height so my stocking are pulled up.  Next i begin to hook the girdle.  The hooks are on the left side and run under the zipper.  There are six hooks.  With all of them hooked i zip up and feel the cool caress of the girdle against my legs. 

Now for the long line bra.  i bring the bra around my back so i can set the hooks while looking at them.  There are two rows of eight hooks each.  i go for the tighter row.  With the hooks set i turn the bra around so the cups are in the right place and slip my arms in the bra straps.  i adjust it so that it is straight and slip the breast forms in place.  i feel the coolness of the breast form against my chest and see my new shapely for in the mirror.

Now on to the stockings.  i find a pair of black stockings that have no runs and while sitting on the toilet i bunch the first one up in my fingers and carefully place my foot in it.  i carefully and move the stocking up my leg, covering my calf, smoothing the knee and then covering my thigh.  With my thigh covered, i smooth out the entire stocking and attach the front garter.  i repeat carefully for my left leg.  With both garters attached in front i stand to attaché the side and back garters.  This is a real problem, when i’m wearing a corset and a garter belt, i put the garter belt on first so that i can bend over and hook the stockings.  The corset makes it almost impossible to bend over.  Almost out of breath, i finally get the stockings hooked and am ready for the rest of the outfit.

i step carefully into my black 3.5-inch high heels and then carefully put my slip over my head and pull it down over my undergarments.  Looking in the mirror, i’m beginning to look a bit like a lady.

Next i carefully put on my white silk blouse.  i slip each are into the armholes.  It doesn’t go on like a mans shirt.  The armholes are far more narrow for me.  She i put my right arm to the elbow and then the left arm in to the elbow and carefully pull it up over my shoulders.  i carefully button the blouse, the buttons are reversed from a mans shirt, and make sure it is in place.

Now for the skirt, i open up my black skirt and step into my skirt, right foot and the left foot being careful not to hook the heel of my shoe on the lining of the skirt.  i bring the skirt up, tucking my slip into it.  With the zipper in the front, i hook the skirt closed, button it for extra security and zip it up.  i adjust the skirt so that the zipper is in the back and adjust my blouse since it has pulled around.  i pull my skirt up and adjust the hem of the blouse from underneath – just like i’ve seen ladies do.

With my outfit in place i look in the mirror and fix my hair to be as feminine as possible and get into it. 

Opening the door of the bathroom, i’m back in the feminine world.  i carefully walk as femininely as i possibly can, trying to remember all that Miss Tiger taught me. 

Reporting to the office for my work, i stand as femininely as i can.  i keep my hands open and against my skirt.  i was taught that closed hands are NOT feminine.  i smile – a happy face is a pretty face.

Carefully walking to the desk where i am to work, i backup to the chair and sit as i was taught.  i brush my hands down the back of my skirt so that it doesn’t wrinkle and place my feet in front of me ready for an appealing photograph.

My job today is to arrange dungeon photographs carefully in books so that can be pulled quickly for advertising.  i am given at least 500 photographs, which are to me arranged in the order they were taken with their negatives. 

At work i arranging them carefully and only asking questions or for supplies as i really need to.  i focus only on my work.

One of the goals that i had with Miss Vera’s training was to not be nearly as nervous while dressed.  Today i am pretty calm.  i feel pretty and useful.  i remember to breath as i was taught.  It appears that goal has been met.

At the end of my work i am complemented by Dawn on my walking in high heels – she said “Much Better”.

At the end of my work, go into the rest room to get undressed…

Still in my high heels, i carefully remove my skirt.  i unzip it from the back, unhook it and carefully step out.  i hang it up immediately.  i carefully unbutton my white silk blouse and also hang it up immediately.

i remove my breast forms and put them back in the box.  i take off my shoes and then my stockings.  Then my bra, girdle and finally my corset.

i’ve been wearing my corset for about four hours now and the marks from the boning in it are wonderful.  They are red and deep.  As i bend over to put my things away, i can feel each and every on of them.

i put my clothes away in my locker and head home.

At the end of my workday, i call Mistress Tara in California to report in.  Mistress Tara feels that my work is good.  i relay that Miss Tiger told me that a smaller heel on my shoe would help me to walk better.  i ask permission to purchase a pair of shoes with a smaller heel.  Mistress Tara tells me that she is aware of that and denies my request.

Dec 4^th 2001               Prior to my arrival in the dungeon, i pick up the pictures from Miss Vera’s training.  My first reaction was ‘Mmmmmmm, i look like Barney Rubble in drag’, but after a while i felt that i have finally started down the road that i have thought about for so long.  i was initially very disappointed, but after a very short amount of time i am elated!!!!!

Back to the picture project, i dress as before and carefully walk down the hall to begin my work.  i sit and focus on my work.

At mid evening i am offered food.  i accept and eat very carefully so as not to spill anything on my pretty clothes.

At the end of the evening some of the Mistresses complement my on my clothing and my demeanor.  Mistress Tyra asks if i have a jacket to go with the skirt and wants to see me model it.  As femininely as i can i put the jacket on and turn.  i walk a bit down the hall and turn to show my suit.  i feel calm and feminine.

The calm that i really had hoped for has found me.  i’m beginning to feel that this is a natural thing for me, not simply an erotic event.  Well, don’t get me wrong, its still really erotic, just really natural.  Now i suppose i can put that eroticism out in front of me for others to experience.

Before i leave for the evening, Mistress Syren says to me (She calls me four-tino) “four-tino, damn i thought that butt was a chicks”.  Thank You Mistress Syren! i reply.

Dec 6^th 2001               Back at work, i continue on the picture project  - fully dressed!

i’m calm and focused, a very productive evening for this girl.

Dec 11^th 2001             i’m back to working on my previous project – the file cabinets.  My job tonight is to complete the finish on the filing cabinets. 

First i sand each of the cabinets and draws.  After the sanding is finished i clean all of the surfaces with alcohol and apply a coat of polyurethane. 

After that work was finished and cleaned up i did some general picking around the dungeon and then i was given some play time with Mistresses Emily, Charlize and Mariah.

Flogging and caning was demonstrated by Mistress Emily and practiced on me by the others.  After all the torture i have been through – this really didn’t hurt all that much.  Actually it really felt good.  i feel like i’m getting back to the old feelings again of wanting to play as much as i can.  The harder canings are pretty erotic.  The last major caning i had was in LA by Mistress Tara when she hit me 71 times – that really hurt but also felt great.  i was caned 30 times, mostly pretty soft; there were 2 or 3 that were hard.

Dec 13^th 2001             i finished the filing cabinets!  They are ready to be moved into place.  Also did some general picking up around the dungeon.

The filing cabinets were a huge amount of work.

Also, its total body-cleansing day.  Enemas in the morning, at lunch and before coming to work in the dungeon.  Also two of the best showers i have ever taken.

i shave a tiny part of my left leg to see how long it will take to grow back.

Dec 14^th 2001             i have been trying to write Mistress Tara a letter in longhand to thank Her for allowing me to take the course with Miss Vera.  After much frustration, i gave up and typed it.  My handwriting is just too bad.  i type every thing these days.  i will work to improve my handwriting so that i can write pretty notes to people.

i phoned Miss Vera to thank her for the training session a couple of weeks ago and had a nice chat with her.  She told me that she wrote about me in her upcoming book.  She referred to me as ‘Erika Thomas’ – cool. 

Dec 15^th 2001             i psych myself into total girl mode for writing in this journal – i’m filling in the gaps.  My knees are together and i sit with a straight back.  i feel good, in exactly the same space as i have found many times, for years – an effeminate male.

Dec 17^th 2001                         i work at the dungeon.  More time off from my job, so i work where it matters, for Mistress Tara.  i completed the file cabinets, they are ready for installation. 

Dec 18^th 2001                         No instructions, so i work with Mistress Tara in mind, what would She want me to do?  i clean up on the fourth floor and examine the dungeon for things that need fixing. 

At the end of the evening, i have a rare chance to see Mistress Tara and have nice conversation with Her.  Mistress Tara is in a really good mood and i feel really good at the end of the evening.

Mistress Tara reviews my letter and the associated pictures and is very complementary.  Mistress Tara states “Miss Vera did a Very Good Job”

Mistress Tara invites me to dinner and on a trip to Las Vegas.  i will look at my calendar.

Mistress Tara also gives me permission to watch the videotape made during Miss Vera’s training on Thursday.

Dec 20^th 2001             This evening, i moved the contents of Mistress Tara’s office to the fourth floor.  This sort of stuff is always lots of work.  It had been planned to move lockers so i came in ready to work like crazy.  It wasn’t nearly as hard as it could have been.

After spending the evening working in the dungeon, i was given the opportunity to have dinner with Mistress Tara. 

Dec 21^st 2001             Dinner last night lasted from 11:30 pm until 2:30 am – i am dead tired.

Dec 24^th 2001             Looking back over the year, it has been a wild year.  With all that has happened during the course of the year, i feel really good.  Over the weekend, i was trying to catch up on sleep; i got up in the morning to go do holiday stuff and i realized how exhausted i was.  After a couple of good nights of sleep – the exhaustion really hit me, and then i began to really sleep

i also realized how my i had accomplished during the year.  The following are big things that happened during the year:

i’ve become far more spiritual.

Had many experiences with sleep deprivation (mostly at work)

m y view of myself has changed enormously

Went to LA with Mistress Tara

Worked very hard in the dungeon

During the course of the year i worked roughly 700 hours for Mistress Tara.

S/M makes you be very honest with yourself about who you are and what you are.  Mistress Tara has allowed me to find a very sexual person inside myself.

Dec 29^th 2001             my mantra for the new year is “Break time is over”

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