Journal of Submission

Mar 3rd 2001Very productive day in the dungeon. Got lots of stuff done. Play time with Mistress Fiona and Mistress ????. It was really fun this time. i worked on my breathing and responding to the pain.

Mar 5th 2001 Funny thing being owned, i feel like i'm responsible for someone else's property, when im taking care of my own body. That statement alone is conflicting with its self. 

Work in the dungeon. Finished bracing the wheel, cut up pipes, put on switch plates, general cleaning. Play with Mistress Mei Ling and Mistress Adriana. Major nipple torture and penis torture. They wrapped rubber bands around my penis and it hurt like hell. i'm relearning to breath into the pain and step outside myself to watch.

Mar 10th 2001Finish painting the wheel, clean out Mistress Tara's office. Play time with Mistress Syren and Mistress Cassandra. First a great bondage harness by Mistress Syren and then a spanking with Mistress Cassandra. Then 4 spins on the wheel. The wheel was really cool. Really fun. Guess i did a pretty good job on it. i didn't die.

Mar 12th 2001 Ran errands for Dawn, removed the calk around tub in the medical room. No play, cant wait to see Mistress Tara. Back to sleeping in my black corset, slept pretty well.

Mar 17th 2001 Work in the dungeon, no play. Didn't see Mistress Tara, she is still in LA.

Mar 19th 2001 Feel pretty alone and isolated, I've barley spoken to Mistress Tara in the 3 weeks she has been gone. She is really important to me and i really do miss her. 

Its been 3 months since my cross dressing prives were revoked. I'm really hoping that that ends soon. Some times it feels like bombs going off inside me. That tiger is out of the cage and its really hard to hold it back. 

That tiger certainly isn't going back in the cage anytime soon.

i hope Mistress Tara can find it in herself to help me soon. I'm really sorry for what i did and she knows that.

S/M is part of my life and i just want to share it with her.

Mistress Tara has arrived home from LA! It was so great to see Her. i really missed her. She said she got me something and invited me to travel with her again! She also said she missed me! 

Work in the dungeon, changing light fixtures, errands, calking.

Play with Mistress Rebecca. i got a pretty good beating. It really hurt, i worked on breathing into it. She is pretty good, she took me up the hill and then back down a few times. I'm getting back into it. i hope it doesn't fall off the pace so i can get back to more serious pain.

A while back Mistress Tara said things were going to get more cerebral. Given the test and all, they certainly have. i think about this so much, its really a lot of mental work.

Mar 24th 2001 Lots of work in the dungeon.

Play at the end of the night with Mistress Fiona. First the butt plug! Its back and it was huge. It hurt. i should have used the middle size one. Then the beating started. The beating started off with me on my knees and a wooded paddle. i got 10 good hits with it all in important areas. It hurt. Then a good whipping, not too bad on the pain, it was actually more on the sensual side. Then a heavy paint stirrer ? it hurt. Then i was given a choice, the balls or the feet, i choose the feet, 5 hard hits on each. It really hurt. i need to toughen up. i was doing a pretty good job with the breathing, but some of the hits were so stunning that i just had to recover and get re-centered. Over 

I've had so little of this in the last few months, I'm just not used to this. It will take a little time, Ill probably be given very little.

Mar 25th 2001 My feet still hurt a but from the beating that Mistress Fiona gave me.

Work in the dungeon. i completed the suspension by the stage. Mistress Tara was really happy about the suspension. She was in a pretty playful mood.

After i cleaned up the suspension project, as always, i was the guinea pig.

i was told to dress in just the large petticoat in the CD room, i was to be a piñata. The second petticoat was added with a wig, blindfold and jester hat.

Standing on the edge of the stage, the winch was cranked so that i could only stand on my toes. Mistress Tara said, kill make it easier for you and cranked it a 3 more notches. i was caned and beaten with paddles and spoons. Some really hurt. i was caned for the first time vertically. THEY HURT. i wasn't allowed to fall off, Mistress Tara would have been really disappointed if i did.

Mistress Tara pushed me off the stage with her foot. It felt freeing like the pressure was off ? at least for a short time. i hung there for a while, i really don't remember much. i was off somewhere in the head-trip of the suspension. My arms were hurting, but i was doing a pretty good job controlling my breathing and going into the pain. My hands were totally numb. 

After awhile, i was pushed around and hit at random like a piñata. 

As i was let down the other Mistresses in the room were given instruction on massaging the hands and caning the hands my Mistress Tara. Mistress Tara referred to it as the gift that keeps on giving. 

Mistress Tara talked about slaves that are good and not so good. She said i am always good. Big Complement!

Mistress Tara and i discussed not being able to have a simple vanilla relationship. She spoke of people like us, i felt connected and like i had found a place where i am accepted. Thaïs why i feel like i belong at the Den.

Continuing our discussion, the discipline that i have been taught is very important. Once a person learns that ? the rest of the world becomes easier, to an extent, trivial. S/M is complex and can be very difficult, but it can help one dump their crap.

Got in at 3AM. Ouch!

I'd like to write a story about this.

i feel like i belong there. Being owned by Mistress Tara is a really good thing.

Mistress Tara gave me an envelope that i was to keep in my locker and not look at, clearly a test. She said i was never to look at it and asked if i could do this. I'm sure i can.

Mar 26th 2001 I'm tired and my hands hurt from last night. I'm a little marked up from the beating last night but not too bad. My shoulders are very sore.

Mar 31st 2001 Total body cleansing day. I'm not too sore and i slept great.

Work in the dungeon. Hung the chandelier in the men's room, connected a telephone in Mistress Tara's office and installed the hanging cage.

Mistress Tara was again very complementary, she said that i had a very productive week. She was excited about the phone and the suspension and the chandelier.

i have finally found a place where my fetish is accepted. Its hard though, i can only explore as I'm allowed to and that requires lots of patience and discipline. i am however am feeling more healed from lots of events that have gone on in the past, most of which happened before meeting Mistress Tara. 

i feel like, since the return of my cross-dressing and harness training is so delayed, that i am being tested with this. It seems that since i have done so much lately, that the punishment phase is complete and i am again being tested.

The test is of my patience and discipline and dedication to Mistress Tara.

She has not told me any of this, but i know its going on, i can feel it.