Journal of Submission

Nov 2nd 2000 Was given permission for a new tighter corset. Mistress didn't like my tone during the course of the evening, i was caned 10 times for it.

Nov 3rd 2000 i misunderstood Mistress Tara's instructions badly

Punishment Due.

Nov 5th 2000 First day of sleeping in my black corset.

Nov 6th 2000 Corset was very comfortable, 1 inch tight. i slept great! Heading to the new space tonight to work. Corset when i get home to sleep.

Nov 8th 2000 Corset was not comfortable last night, too tight around my ribs. Must do looser tonight, didn't sleep well.

Nov 11th 2000 Corset was good last night, waist was 1 inch down and ribs were loose.

Total body cleansing day!

Was suppose to have corset training with Mistress Syren, it didn't work out. Also was suppose to work in the new space, that didn't work out either.

i however was allowed to go the party at Paddles as a maid! Upon arrival, i got changed in the restroom and made my entrance. i felt like all eyes were on me. This was only my second time out in an S/M club, this time it was without Mistress Tara.

Mistress Blake and Mistress Alexandra conspired to get me tied securely into the CBT chair. It really didn't take much effort for them, i went joyfully.

Both Mistresses demonstrated how to use the chair and secure a slave for torture.

i was photographed with Mistress Alexandra and with Mistress Blake in the CBT chair.

i was also was told to sing "Like a Virgin" to the crowd by Mistress Blake. Very humiliating!

Mistress Blake put me in the hanging cage and spun me around, it was a little scary but really fun.

i felt that all eyes were on me for part of the night and that many men there were envious of me.

Left the party in full uniform. This is the second time i've been on the street in a dress and the first time in heels. The first time alone! Really erotic.

The last 5 or 6 weeks have been a roller coaster. First and foremost there was "The Reminder". Im feeling like that was in fact a good thing. It got me more focused on being a slave as well as clearing the air.

The sensory deprivation session was amazing, as was the corset training.

The new reality that i am owned like a pet. Really strange, still doesn't really fit, it may never. May not be for me. i'm very clear that submission is.

Finishing "The Story of O". That book really scared me. It was loaded with devotion and trust, then she was abandoned. Or was it set free? One would think that being set free would have had at least some of the formality associated with the enslavement. The word 'abandoned' was used. Its interesting how Rene actually was working on Sir Stevens behalf the entire time.

i feel like i need this in my life but im scared that im going to have to give up my career, loose any intimate contact in my life, never have someone again to share my day. i'm also scared of getting deeply hurt. i feel that anyone who loves a pet would NEVER abandon them and would always meet their real needs as best as they could. However, giving away a pet to a good home that one perfectly understandable if the owner can not care for them.

It would really help it i could be granted more time with Mistress Tara.

i'm working on understanding the difference between love and obedience. i know i love Mistress Tara. i know im obedient to Mistress Tara. i wish i could be around Her all the time though. Maybe i need to be in a full time relationship where i can keep the things im scared of loosing and still dress and submit.

If there comes a day that i can not serve Mistress Tara, i will be thankful to Her for the rest of my life.

i know that the feelings that i have about dressing, my sexuality and submission will not go away. At 45 they have only gotten stronger. i need to embrace them in a healthy way, dig deep into my growing spirituality and hope for the best.

i however will take care of myself, not allowing my career or my personal finances or my personal integrity and self image to be damaged in any way.

Nov 13th 2000 Nice dinner with Mistress Tara. Long discussion on many topics. She asked probing and difficult questions on who deserves to live and die, the worth of a human life and how to determine it. Filled with paradox.

Started off with a discussion of astrology and planets in retrograde and headed off into spirituality.

Some corset training with Mistress Syren. Got down to 29 inches - VERY tight.

Nov 18th 2000 Work in the new dungeon calking. Mistress Tara has been really tough on me of late.

slept in my corset all week.

The "test" happened somewhere in here

Nov 20th 2000 worked at the dungeon all day yesterday. 

Nov 25th 2000 after 2 nights of working in the new dungeon i am told that i did not clean the bathroom and that i am stupid. i suppose i did not clean the bathroom enough times.

Punishment Due.

The trust that Mistress Tara eluded to long ago, in my mind goes far beyond a purely physical trust, i need more. i am very hurt! i have no idea what the expectations are of me