Journal of Submission

Nov 1^st 2001               Exhausted from the previous nights work, it total body-cleansing day.  Tired, the workday is almost done and then to the dungeon for more work.

Feeling a little neglected.

Nov 2^nd 2001              Last night was isolated to hard work.  More heavy work stripping steel office furniture.  The work is gross.  At the end of the night i was covered with green paint dust, it was in my hair, in my nose, in my ears and in my eyes.   i had hoped to see Mistress Tara and simply talk with her for a bit but that never happened. 

i remind myself that there is no one to trust there other that Mistress Tara.  i trust no one at the Den of Iniquity other than Mistress Tara. 

i feel pretty isolated and a little scared.  i’m exhausted.  i’m so frustrated – i just want to cry.  i barley have any touch with other human beings anymore.  i’m so alone.

It’s really ok though; it really is simpler this way.  i never really worked well in ‘regular’ relationships.

i again feel like my ‘cross-dressing’ is a grape that is rotting on the vine.  It’s certainly a goal that is not being met.  My cross-dressing tended to be a place where i went for comfort in tough times and that comfort spot has been either taken away or ignored.

A long time ago that tiger was let out of the cage, its hungry and isn’t going back easily.

Nov 3^rd 2001               After a very stressful week, i go away by myself for the weekend, i try to be in girl-mode for the entire time.  It works to a point.

i’ve been reading on the net about makeup techniques lately.  It looks generally pretty easy except for the eyes.  Its no wonder women have raccoon eyes sometimes.

Here is a good link for tips and help:

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/8517/tips/index.html

i’ll as for permission to start trying makeup techniques.

Out to lunch, sitting eating a salad, i’m sure i am spotted with my ankles tucked.  Good.

i go for late walk and work on my walk, trying to remember how Mistress Tara showed me.  Its been quite a while and i’m really tired, i’ll try more tomorrow.

Before bed i read the walking stuff from the above page.

Time for bed.  i wash my face carefully to get all of the sunscreen and moisturizer off.  Then apply more moisturizer.  i put on panties; lace up my corset and it’s off to bed.

Nov 5^th 2001               Not much cross-dressing in my life these days.  Lots of hard work however.  That is a reward in its self i am told.

Current reading:

The Places That Scare You; A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

Nov 6^th 2001               Work on the cabinets.  Really confused. 

Nov 8^th 2001               Work on the video systems in the dungeon.

Nov 8^th 2001               After spending most of the night working on video systems in the dungeon, Mistresses Syren, Tyra, Alexandra and Ariana decided it was time to dress me up.

In the interrogation room, i am instructed to dress in a garter belt, stockings, bra and of course my corset.  Under the corset i am to wear a large white petticoat.  i am watched and taunted a little bit, as i get dressed.  The mistresses were defiantly having fun with me.

With everything in place except for the corset, i unroll it, carefully swing it behind my back and begin to hook the busk.  As i begin to pull the laces tighter, Mistress Syren comes around and says with a deep laugh ‘We are going to make you look like a girl 1407’

‘Mmmmmm, this is good’, i think to myself.

Mistress Syren pushes Her knee into the small of my back and pulls the laces tight, and then tighter and then even tighter.

So here i am, dressed in a tight corset, garters, stockings, a bra, heels and a pretty long starched petticoat. 

i am instructed to model my new look for the Mistresses.  i turn and swish around the room.

it feels right.

Mistress Syren chimes in with, “don’t you have breast forms 1407?, didn’t you have the chicken cutlets that Mistress Cassandra loved so much?”

Yes Ma’am

Well then don’t you thing you should go get them?  And you had better walk like a lady; Mistress Tara wouldn’t like it if you didn’t.

So i swish down the hall to get my ‘chicken cutlets’ – my breast forms.

When i get back, Mistress Syren complemented me on my waking in heels.  She said it was the best she had seen from me.

i return to the interrogation room with breast forms in hand.  They are from Victoria’s Secret. 

As i put them into my bra, they feel cool against my chest.  i feel feminine.

The Mistresses decide its time that i get into makeup.  They do my eyes with eye shadow, eyeliner and mascara.  Next its my lips, they put lipstick and lip liner on – it tastes really cool.  This is the first time i’ve ever worn makeup.  Surprising.

It feels like i have nothing on my face, but it also feels like i do have something on my face.  It’s really hard to explain how it feels to wear makeup.

i am sure that there is a look of delight in my eyes.

Mistress Ariana says in a supportive way, “1407 maybe you should listen to you soul more and let it determine your path”

i go into the rest room to have a good look in the mirror.  i look really great.

Mistress Alexandra kindly offered to give me make up lessons!

Its time to go – so i have to wash my face and take off the pretty clothes.  Its ok there will be more times to get dressed up.

Nov 9^th 2001               Lately i’ve been feeling a little unsure of this situation since Mistress Tara is gone so much of the time.  Many times i know that i am cared for but feel scared since don’t see Her as much as i used to.

Nov 10^th 2001             A really nice conversation with Mistress Tara. 

During the course to the call;

Mistress Tara invited me to come to LA again.

She gave me permission to discuss a pivotal question She posed to me in Santa Monica

She was happy with my work on the video systems

She was happy with my getting Her corsets cleaned.

She gave me permission to experiment with makeup under the strict control of on of the Mistresses.

She and i discussed a rough date for my training with Miss Vera.  She wants to see me before i go and when i am finished.

i do feel cared for and wanted.

Mistress Tara told me some time ago that “Once you really experience S/M and accept it, the outside world becomes simple – even easy to deal with”.

Nov 12^th 2001             One of the interesting things that i’ve learned about S/M and being owned is that storing up emotion is a waist of energy and brainpower.

Last night i left Mistress Tara a voice mail and after about an hour i realized that i had phrased part of it incorrectly.  i was far too casual.   i called to recognize it and apologize for it.  i fully expect that i will be disciplined for it.

Nov 13^th 2001             General work around the dungeon. 

Nov 15^th 2001             Total body cleansing day.  Wow i’ve been doing this for well over a year, it still feels good.

Work in the dungeon. 

Running an errand, i wait for the light to change so i can cross the street.  i find myself standing straight up with weight on my right leg, my left leg stretched out with my weight balanced on my toes.  My left arm straight down my side, hand flat against my thigh with my fingers stretched out flat.

i first read about this in the web page:

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/8517/tips/tip02.html

i’ve been watching a lot and learning.

It was totally sub-conscious standing in this position.  i hope someone noticed me.

Nov 16^th 2001             i cannot believe that i am coming up on my 3^rd set of holidays in service to Mistress Tara.

In Nyack, late on Friday afternoon, as i’m walking around town, i experiment with swiveling my hips like a lady does.  It felt like i got it, its all in the posture and position of the back.  i was wearing flat shoes, but i think i got it.

i did notice that as i was around town, swiveling my hips, my mannerisms changed.  i was still the same person, just softer.

Nov 19^th 2001             examining my sexuality, i really don’t know if i’m gay.  Most people in the other world associate cross-dressing with being gay.  A gay person, by definition is, on who is only interested in sex with people of their same sex.  That is not me, i am bi-sexual.  i am willing to and interested in having sex with both men and women.

Examining my cross-dressing, i definitely love the erotic part.  i vaguely remember that at some point in my young life, i got little support from my father.  i always felt that he really didn’t like me.  Or maybe he didn’t love me as much.  i needed help – i was just a kid.  i never got it from him.

So, sub-consciously i made a decision that if i looked and acted like my sisters, i would get more attention from him.  My mom found me dressed a couple of times – she was not too happy about it.  i never got punished for it though.  i didn’t get any support for it as a kid, nor did i get more attention from my father.

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/6045/ltlboy.html

Really hits home.

i have never really had any acceptance of my cross-dressing from anyone, with the exception of accepting it myself.  i have accepted it in myself for quite a while now. 

Nov 20^th 2001             Going to the Dungeon tonight to work. 

Tonight i have two tasks.  The first is to setup Mistress Tara’s office on the fourth floor and cleaning out the rubble behind the air conditioning unit in the interrogation room. 

Both tasks were hard work. 

The first was to move heavy office furniture by myself. 

The second was to get behind the air conditioning unit and scrape out a huge pile of plaster and dust that was left from the construction.  The plaster dust was inches think and had settled to the point where it was almost concrete.

These two tasks took from 6:30 pm to 12:30 am.  By the time i was finished i was filthy and exhausted.

Nov 21^st 2001             Exhausted, barley slept.  But still feel lucky to be owned by Mistress Tara.

Nov 26^th 2001             What started out as a day where i was very hopeful that i could get back on track with my cross-dressing turned out to be very disappointing.  i wasn’t at my job that day, so i  went to the dungeon thinking that i could be of some use.  i was suppose to work on a photo project, i understood that this was secretarial work and that i  would be dressed for it.  It turns out that no one was sure weather i was allowed and i was not able to get in touch with Mistress Tara to ask.   After the work was done i got into a bunch of heavy moving work. 

i chose to submit to Mistress Tara.  i have to take the good with the bad.  S/M is about power, control, ritual and permission.  i did not have explicit permission for that – so, since i didn’t want to get in trouble, i didn’t do it.

i will schedule with Miss Vera ASAP – Friday if i can.

Nov 27^th 2001             Made the appointment with Miss Vera for Friday.  i will report in detail as soon as possible. 

i had gone to meet Miss Vera and deliver a deposit for my training.  Miss Vera complemented me on my thin figure and said this will be pretty easy.  She offered that she and i might go out.  She was thinking for a small bite to eat or a quick drink or simply a cab ride.  i immediately liked her – she is pretty cool.

Miss Vera gave me a signed copy of her book, there are lots of good tips in it and it’s a quick read.

i feel a little better today although i do feel really isolated.  i need to work on getting more well rounded.  These days my life is mainly focused on working for Mistress Tara and my job.

Nov 28^th 2001             Beginning to think through what i need to do for Friday, i realized that i am scared down to the marrow in my bones.  i have wanted to get more intimate with this for so long, i can’t believe that its about to happen.

i’m really scared that i will get too into this and really screw my life up.  i have read so many stories about people who do this and mess their lives up.  There are parts of my life that are really good.  i just need a cool head.

A short while ago, i had had my eyebrows tweezed to sculpt them more.  The lady who did them said – its something for you, no one will really notice.  She was for the most part right, only one guy i know noticed and he just came out of the closet.

Nov 29^th 2001             One more day before the class, so i picked up fresh stockings and panties at Victoria’s Secret in the Manhattan Mall. 

Nov 30^th 2001             The day has arrived for my time at Miss Vera’s School.  Since i was on Madison Avenue, i had made an appointment at “The Art of Shaving” for a really close shave.  The shave was done with a straight razor – it was my first time and really strange.  There is a real S/M thing to having someone that you don’t know shave you with a straight razor.  At the end of my shave the guy said “you are a new man” – little did he know.

i went to the dungeon to prepare.  i had prepared clean panties and fresh stocking for the event. 

Starting off i take a quick shower and began to get dressed.  First the panties, lately i’ve been wearing “Body By Victoria” control briefs.  They are white and have a little more control at the top than others i’ve worn. 

Slipping into my panties, right foot first, then the left foot, i fit the leg openings carefully up around my genitals and smooth out the top to create a nice image.

Next, the three piece suit.  As Mistress Tara puts it, the three-piece suit is a corset, girdle and long line bra.  i lace my corset in the usual way (its here lots of times), and then i slip into the open bottom girdle.  i pull it up to about the right level and hook the five on the lefts side.  i adjust the girdle so that it is straight and centered and zip it closed. 

The girdle feels very sensuous as the fabric goes over my rear end and down the back of my legs.  As i move to get my bra, the garters on my girdle move around a bit and feel even more sensuous.

Taking my bra, i straighten it, take the two ends with the hooks and eyes, one in each hand and draw it behind me.  Hooking it while it is in front of me is a trick i saw my mother do many years ago.  With my long line white bra hooked, i turn it around me, straighten it and slip my arms into the straps.

Carefully (i am wearing a corset now), i bend over and to start working on my stockings.  i look for a pair with no runs.  Finding them, i take the one for my left leg and bunch it up between my fingers.  i bend over and carefully fit my toes and foot into the foot part of the stocking.  Bending over is really hard in a corset.   i begin to draw the stocking up my left leg, it feels cool and sensuous.  As i reach the top of my thigh, i hook it with the front garter.  Moving on to the right leg, i do the same thing. 

With both front garters hooked, i make sure both stockings are straight and about the same tightness.  That done, i hook the back and side garters, the back left garter is always the hardest for me.  i just don’t bend that way.

Dressed in the basics, get my bag together.  i put in my black Ann Taylor suit, breast forms, a slip and my shoes.

Ready for my class i go downstairs and up 6^th avenue to the designated meeting place.

i’m ready, nervous but ready.

i arrive at the hotel and go upstairs quickly just in case i happen to run into anyone i know. 

Inside the room i’m, greeted by Miss Vera as erika and someone dropping off supplies.  i feel immediately that this really isn’t S/M; it’s simply an outlet for a specific fetish – cross crossing for men.

Miss Vera explains that she will never call me by my male name again; from now on i am erika to her.  Yeah!

Miss Vera asks to inspect the lingerie that i’ve worn.  Going into the bedroom, i hang up my clothes neatly in the closet and remove my street clothes.  i put on my slip and heels and go find Miss Vera.  Miss Vera is very kind and very complementary!  She really liked my girdle and long line bra from Frishmans in the Bronx.

Miss Vera offers to allow me to wear real breast forms that are intended for mastectomy use.  They made me look beautiful.  Once some things change in my life, i will need to get a pair of those.

As the inspection was going on, Miss Deborah arrives.  Miss Deborah is here to do my makeup and teach me how to do my makeup.

Miss Vera asks if i’d like to wear a dressing gown for the next portion of the training.  i accept and begin to put it on.  i slip each arm into the dressing gown and move the left side over to the right side of my torso and then the left side over the gown and tie it off.  The dressing gown is a beautiful silk robe that has an oriental theme.  Photographs are taken during the entire course of the makeup training.

i sit at the desk and Miss Deborah carefully puts a smock over me as if i’m at the hairdresser.  Miss Deborah teaches me the fundamentals of applying my own makeup.  This takes about an hour and Miss Vera is taking pictures and video taping the entire thing in intervals.

There were MANY things that i didn’t know about makeup.  i will need to study this, be careful and experiment.

With the makeup was finished, we moved on to picking a wig.  i was shown how to put on a wig.  We tried on four different wigs, a long blond curly one, two brunette straight ones (different lengths) and a short red curly one. 

i have always fancied myself as a brunette, but the blond and the red softened my look to a great extent.  i was surprised to see how the blond wig really looked great.  So the blond wig it is…

With the wig chosen more photographs are taken.  Some photographs were taken in the hotel room; some were taken on the large balcony outside.  It was on the 11^th floor with a beautiful view right at twilight. 

Stepping inside, i put on my suit. 

First i make sure my bra and slip straps are straight, then i slip my arms into the armholes of my silk blouse.  Carefully pulling the blouse up over my shoulder, i button the sleeves and button the front all the way down. 

Next i step into the skirt.  Since i am wearing my heels, i hold on to Miss Vera’s hand as i step in.  i button and zip the skirt and the center the zipper in the back.  i fix the blouse so it looks perfect.

Now for the jacket.  The jacket is easy; i simply slip my arms in and carefully pull it over my shoulders.  i button in half way so that my blouse shows nicely.

Miss Deborah and Miss Vera help me pick some jewelry, a couple of bracelets and a pin for my jacket.

Fussing with my hair, i turn to look in the mirror – i look beautiful.   My suit was great, my makeup looked incredible and the hair was amazing.  i felt more like the lady inside me than ever.  There is one thing missing however, nails.  Miss Vera has done everything; she brought the cutest plastic stick on nails.  They are gold in color and stick on with double-sided tape.  Perfect!

We take more pictures around the hotel room.

After the pictures were finished, Miss Vera began the voice training part of the class.  This was really interesting.  We went over different intonations that a woman verses a man might use.  We went over how to sit so that your voice sounds more feminine.  We went over how to order in a restaurant.  We also went over hand gestures and when you might use them.

During the speaking class, Miss Tiger, Miss Vera’s comportment and dance teacher arrived.

Moving on to comportment class, Miss Tiger taught me to walk and move like a lady.  She taught me to:

Swivel my hips correctly

Turn on my toes and plant my heels in a feminine manor

Stand in a feminine manor

Sit down and stand up like a lady

Sit like a lady

To get in and out of a cab like a lady (This is really hard)

During the comportment class i was reminded by Miss Vera that i do need to speak like a lady at all times when dressed.  Ah yes – total girl mode.

That really completed the class experience.  As the class was winding down we all chatted about life and our experiences.  What a great day!  i feel calm, accepted and relaxed in a very feminine way.

As i carefully remove my clothes and go back to being 1407, i feel calm and good.  Removing the breast forms that i was loaned, i return them. Still in my three-piece suit i was off the makeup.  Thinking ahead i brought some facial soap from Neutrogena that is specifically for removing makeup.  i was my face three or four times and inspect, i’m clean – i think.

Packed up and ready to go, i again thank Miss Vera and Miss Tiger for the help and understanding.

Going down the elevator, i think – do i have everything? Is anything exposed? What if i run in someone that i know?  Who cares, i feel great!

Out on Seventh Avenue i make my way to the dungeon.  On arrival the Mistresses want to know how it was.  They are generally very supportive and want detail.  It is mentioned that i have a big stripe of mascara on my right eye – ‘you should go wash that off 1407’ Mistress Syren mentions.

i have learned so much today.  i feel like i have moved to the next step with my cross-dressing!

This was really hard to write.  It feels so intimate sharing this with the world.