Journal of Submission

Oct 2nd 2000 i hope to talk with Mistress Tara this evening about Tuesday night. i really could use a little reassurance. Mistress Tara offered me a lot of reassurance! i feel a lot better. She gave me feedback on what i was feeling and things are better. i am a good slave! i feel very relieved. She told me that the reminder was actually a good thing, but it sure was humiliating. Lots of slaves get a reminder shortly after they get started, it took me 15 months. That is a big complement from Mistress Tara.

Mistress Tara and i talked about how lonely this endeavor is, She told me that at some point i would not feel as lonely. i told Her i really missed her at times, She told me she misses me as well.

i absolutely adore Mistress Tara.

i am to prepare a schedule of my availability for the next month so that i can be loaned out. It sounds a little scary, but exciting.

Had about 1 hr of playtime with Mistress Syren, She is really good. 

i'm beginning to 'come to attention' during beatings.

Oct 3rd 2000 Started writing a story for Mistress Tara about being loaned out to Mistress Alexandra and Mistress Salome. 30 min harness time.

Oct 4th 2000 Finished writing the story. 30 min harness time.

Oct 7th 2000 Total body cleansing day! i feel pretty lonely and a little sad, this is the life i have chosen at this point and will try to be upbeat about it. i am however, exhausted and need a break. This has been really intense. Hopefully this will be an ok night and not too difficult.

Night was fine, helped me regain a little confidence. My confidence was totally shaken. Better now.

This really can be a difficult life that i have chosen.

Cleaned the bathroom as the maid, then measured all the big stuff as the secretary. Will create a list and fax it to the architect.

Oct 9th 2000 Ran errands for Mistress Tara. Picked up a new plug, its huge! Worked in the new space.

Oct 14th 2000 The secretary worked on the picture books for Dawn. Mistress Syren was asked to help me with my training in light of Mistress Tara's busy schedule.

Training will include:

walking like a lady
continued harness training
corset training including stretching with suspension

Mistress Syren is also authorized to administer punishment.

The new plug was initially very tight, by the end of the night it was still tight, but more comfortable.

Four hours harness training with the new plug.

Oct 15th 2000 A little sore from harness training last night, not to bad though. 30 min harness training.

Oct 16th 2000 Cleansing ritual today. 

Sensory deprivation was the order of the evening!

After a quick review of the dungeon rules, in the medical room i was gagged and hooded. Mistress Tara kissed me and covered my mouth. An intricate Japanese rope bondage harness was applied to my body that included a large steel clamp on my genitals.

Wrist and ankle cuffs were applied and my eyes were covered. Test tube holder style nipple clamps were also applied. Initially these didn't hurt at all.

Mistress Tara told me that from this point on, there would be no talking for the rest of the session.

Mistress Tara said 'good night' and the snapped the blinder cover on the hood.

i was moved to face the medical table. my ankles, hips were bound to the table, i was bent forward and my wrists were bound to the table.

Mistress Tara beat me with several things. i think it was a cane and maybe the single tail. There were lots of sounds of things going by in the air. i felt breeze of things go by my ass.

There were sensations of being scraped with something sharp, scraped with fingernails. i felt a wheel with points on it go up and down my back several times.

i could hear Mistress Tara's shoes walk around me as she blew smoke in my face. i could feel Her putting Her hands on me, dragging her finger nail on me then some smoke in my face.

A vibrator was secured deeply inside me with rope and turned on. It was gentle and sweet.

i hear Mistress Tara's come and go a few times, then she is gone.

The vibrator was on for a while and the clamps were beginning to hurt, i began trembling badly.

From here the order of events are very fuzzy, i lost all track of time and sequence.

i thought i was totally alone then i felt a feather wave across my back. During the rest of the session, i felt lots of different sensations. 

Scraping
very slight beatings
the vibrator

i was sweating profusely and drooling heavily, the clamps were really beginning to hurt. i was shaking and breathing very heavily and the hood was getting pretty claustrophobic. i had to look deep inside myself to not freak out. 

i tried to control the trembling with my breathing the way Mistress Tara taught me, but i really couldn't, the pain from the nipple clamps came in waves.

i tried to step out of my self and reassure myself that it was ok, worked for a while.

It seemed like there was of time between being touched by someone or something.

At one point it felt like 45 minutes.

i felt hands on me, calming me. Occasionally i felt one finger on me, then it was gone.

i rarely heard the door open and close. i never knew if was alone or not. really strange feeling.

At one point i felt two sets of hands on me.

i felt kisses on my back, sweet gentle kisses.

There were many times during the night that i just could not stop trembling

During Mistress Tara's visits, She did suffocations. Many times She pinched my nose with her fingers. 

Everyone was so gentle.

i sense that all of the Mistresses participated, i will probably never know for sure.

The i was untied and motioned to lay on the table. It was like i was watching myself from inside the room. Before i laid down, Mistress Tara slapped me. i was in such a haze.

i was laid down, my wrists were secured to the table and my feet were put in the stirrups.

Mistress Tara climbed over my face and did suffocation with her thighs. She also did something to my genitals, i really can't remember what. Mistress Tara's scent was exquisitely sweet and light.

i still felt like i was watching while Mistress Tara pierced my genitals and penis from across the room.

Ripping the eye cover from the hood, Mistress Tara forced my head down and look at the piercing. They were beautiful!

It was a very intense experience where i looked deeply inside myself.

The final statement from Mistress Tara: your body is an extension of MY will. your only hope being human is to serve me!

And She was off.

Jane came in to get me untied and bring me back on the planet.

i gave Jane a lift home, i had to be really careful driving.

Oct 17th 2000 i'm exhausted and feel like a different person. my head is totally clear and feel great overall. i feel totally cared for. i was totally vulnerable on Thursday and i was cared for. Just writing about Thursday - i got back into it. This is really intense! It feels like the reserve the is natural with sex has been obliterated and an entirely new order is there to be explored.

Oct 21st 2000 Working in the new space, i tore down a wall and spackled. i feel like this experience changed my life. i feel like a different person. i adore Mistress Tara. 30 min harness training.

Oct 22nd 2000 Primed part of the ceiling in the new space. 30 min harness training.

Oct 23rd 2000 30 min harness training.

Oct 28th 2000 Total body cleansing day again. 

Tonight i began corset training, specifically body modification through tight lacing.

As i fumble with getting the room ready, Mistress Tara and Mistress Syren wait. They're  not as dominating as usual. i'm allowed to make as many trips as i need to get it right. Very strange.

In room three i started off in garters, Cuban heel stockings, heels, white ruffled panties, bra and breast forms. All but the panties were black.

Mistress Syren attached the suspension cuffs to my wrists, the suspension bar was then clamped in place and i was suspended just so i could be on my toes, no shoes at this point.

my waist is measured - 35 inches.

my breathing started off very heavy, my shoes were put on my feet by Mistress Syren and Mistress Tara clicked the suspension bar was clicked up a few notches.

Mistress Tara said She didn't think i would last long.

Mistress Syren put the corset around me an closed it all the way. Its either a 28 or a 30, probably a 30. i'm told to get the next size smaller.

Mistress Syren repeatedly says in a low voice "That is so Hot!"

i remembered the breathing technique Mistress Tara had taught me and i started to use it.

The room is very quiet except for my breathing, some very quiet instructions from Mistress Tara and the occasional click from the suspension going up.

My waist is measured again, this time its 30 inches. Down 5 inches!

i get into the breathing, my wrists really hurt but i went into the pain. My shoulders hurt some, the wrists were the bad part.

Mistress Tara says to Mistress Syren, Lets see how he does on his own and they go out.

i hear someone walk in later to check on me and leave.

i hear foot step and then feel the suspension click, my writs tighten more.

i try to control my breathing, but really can't, my wrists really hurt. my breathing gets a lot faster.

i hear foot steps and the suspension slowly lowered.

The suspension bar and cuffs are removed and im taught to walk like a lady. i'm really spaced out and it comes more naturally than it as in the past.

Mistress Tara says in a very calm voice, "this is the most graceful i've seen him"

The steps are small and pretty.

As i'm coming out of the almost trance, i get more clumsy.

i'm allowed to look at myself in the mirror, the tight corset is beautiful! i feel very feminine.

The corset is slowly removed and my waist is measured again at 34 inches.

i feel wonderful, really peaceful.

i clean up the room and get ready to go.

Before i leave, i bid Mistress Tara goodbye. She agrees that i have moved to a new level in the last week. She gives me an approving look and says good night.

Oct 29th 2000 In light of the last couple of weeks, i feel at peace. my thoughts are a lot clearer. i take less garbage from people or at least don't feel as bad about things.

i feel like i have dumped a lot of internal crap lately.

Overall i'm really happy. i'm getting a lot closer to the point where i can deal with my home situation.

Oct 30th 2000 Called Mistress Tara and during conversation i said "You never have say Your sorry to me" - Wrong!

Punishment Due.

Oct 31st 2000 Nice couple of hours talking with Mistress Tara. At the end of the night i made a mistake saying "You never have to tell me, just ask". 

Punishment Due.

During conversation, i referred to Mistress Tara and i as friends. This was wrong, i realized it as it was coming out of my mouth. i called Mistress Tara, to apologize and She cemented home that "i am an Owned slave"

Punishment Due.

Mistress Tara likened it to being owned like a pet, a cat perhaps, in that the owner can be more devastated by loss of a pet than a loved one.

i feel very alone.