Journal of Submission

Oct 2^nd 2001               Work in the dungeon.

Oct 4^th 2001                Work in the dungeon.

Oct 9^th 2001                After an evening of work in the dungeon, i was given some play time with Mistress Arianna.

When Mistress Arianna arrived she was dressed casually in a long sleeved tee shirt and jeans.  She brought with Her an assortment of floggers as well as wrist and ankle cuffs.

Mistress Arianna stated that She had not given anyone a good flogging in quite awhile and needed a workout.

Wrist cuffs were gently and carefully applied.  Being told to stand, i was led over to the spanking bench.  Mistress Arianna motioned that i was ‘assume the position’ and attached the wrist cuffs to the bench.

With a leather flogger, Mistress Arianna began to warm up my back and ass.  As the flogger hit and hit and hit, i controlled my breath so that it was timed with each hit.  i was successful in not allowing emotion to take over. 

i felt the flogger hit my ass hard then be dragged in a sensuous and sweet way over the top of my back.  Hard then sweet, hard then sweet…

During a slight pause, Mistress Arianna asked, “So 1407, what is your favorite part of S/M?”

At first it was the giving up control, but that grew into incredible spirituality that goes along with REAL S/M, my reply.

At that point the whole tone and tenor of the playtime changed.

Mistress Arianna told me about one of the sensory deprivation experiences that were important to Her.  i am very clear that it is not my position to rely that story here.

i asked if i could tell about one of my experiences, i was given permission for that.

i relayed the experience that i had on Oct 12^th 2000.  That was really my first and largest experience with sensory depravation.  It was an amazing experience. 

During the description of my experience Mistress Arianna began to sweetly and carefully press Her hands on and into my back. 

She and i agreed that these could be life-changing experiences.  My experience changed my life.

Looking back at this particular experience, i find that i sub-consciously made decisions that have changed my life for the better.  Additionally, in the aftermath of this one experience, i react differently; i act differently and feel generally less encumbered by the weight of life.  i am very hopeful that Mistress Tara will give me another one of these amazing experiences.

Mistress Arianna and i sensitively shared that the World Trade Center Disaster changed our lives and that it is a very scary time.  During the entire time Mistress Arianna continued to press Her hands into my back and also caress my ass and legs with Her fingernails.  Mistress Arianna’s hands feel soothing and comforting.

It was really clear that Mistress Arianna and i were both deeply affected by the events on Sept 11^th.  Mistress Arianna shared with me that She had seen a change in Her session experiences, that people were hurting.

This experience has underscored the fact that i have found an important piece of my life that i have been searching for quite some time.

Oct 11^th 2001              After an evening of work in the dungeon, i give Mistress Tara a ride home.  During the ride, Mistress Tara instructs me to get in touch with “Miss Vera’s Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls”.  i am instructed to get information on the classes and get registered.  The web site is http://www.missvera.com/

Oct 15^th 2001              Some time back Mistress Tara had given me permission to replace things as they got worn.  A while back along with other things, several panties were stolen from me.  i go to Victoria’s Secret to get some new ones.  i’m a little nervous but go anyway.

i find some simple but nice cotton panties that will work just fine.  i purchase four pair along with two pair of stockings.  You can never have too many stockings.

Also, i filled out the application for Miss Vera’s school and sent it in.  Filling out the application, i felt very exposed. 

My full name is:

My telephone number is:

or, if you prefer not to leave your telephone number, call us when you are ready.

When we receive your application, we will send a letter of acknowledgement. Please note, you must send this application through the mail to P.O. Box 1331 Old Chelsea Station, New York, N.Y. 10011 along a $20 application fee. Please make your check or money order payable to Veronica Vera. If you do not send the fee with the application, your answers will not be read.

Please Note: i will call for acknowledgement.

Vital Statistics: Male

Married, Single or Divorced?:

Age:                                                     

Height:                                   

Weight:                                                 

Chest:    

Waist:                                     

 Hips:           

 Shoe (male size, please): 7 1/2

How did you learn of the Academy? (Please be specific).

i originally learned about the Academy from a pointer on the internet.  The pointer was on a Trans-gender page that escapes me now.

Cross-Dressing Herstory

How long have you been cross-dressing?  i have been cross-dressing all of my life.  The earliest i can remember was at age 9 wearing my mother’s girdles.

Have you ever before used the services of a fantasy facilitator to guide you through this process?  i have had numerous experiences with cross-dressing via S/M.

If so, was it a pleasant experience? If not, please explain.  These experiences were for the most part pleasant, however some lead to self doubt.

Have you ever gone out dressed?  Yes, on two very limited occasions.

If not, do you think you might like to someday? Yes

What clothes or wigs do you have, if any?  i have two complete outfits. 

The first is a complete maids uniform.  That uniform includes a white corset, black bra and garter belt, white ruffled panties, black uniform with white trim, a white apron and white petticoat.

The second is a suit that a secretary might wear to the office.  It consists of an open bottom girdle, long line bra and slip, all in white, a white silk blouse with black knee length skirt and jacket.  The jacket falls to the hip.  This is all from Ann Taylor.

i have two pair of high heels, one black and one white as well as numerous pairs of stockings.

Of the next two, answer or check what applies to you:

My female name is: erika 

i'm pretty much a cross-dressing virgin, looking for help. i’m not all that new to cross-dressing, however i am looking for help.

What do you hope to accomplish through your cross-dressing experiences?

Physically?  i hope to get to a point where i can be physically attractive, both in my look and my mannerisms.   i hope to gain control during the times i am dressed.  Many times, when i dress up, i am so excited that mannerisms are not even close to those of a lady. 

Mentally?  i hope to gain a lot of understanding about the feelings i have had my entire live.  i also hope to understand why this is important to me.

Emotionally? i accept it as part of my every day life.

Sexually? (use more space on another page, if you need it).

i would like to experience dating with men.

The classes that most interest me are (See Course Descriptions):

i think that i would like start off with Miracle Miss and see where i am after that.

i am most interested in (number in order of preference):

_2_ make-up

_3_ walking in heels

_4_ female sexuality

___ corsetry

___ maid training

_5_ voice

_6_ going out

_1_ overall realness

_7_ wig care

_1_ finding my look

___ ballet

_1_ other ( describe below)

i would like to become much more adept at female mannerisms and gestures.  Also i would like to become much more graceful.

Please note: i corset most nights of the week now.  As well, i took many years of ballet in previous years.

The following best describes my female side. (You can check more than one):

_2_ sissy maid                                   

___ sexy vamp                                  

_3_ whorish slut                                   

___ young wife                                  

_1_ sophisticated career woman                                  

___ mommy's little girl                                  

___ pregnant                                   

___ conservative librarian                                   

___ other (describe below)

But, of the above, i most closely identify with

The articles) of female clothing i most like to wear (please describe colors, fabrics, etc.).

The suit described above.

i feel most fulfilled sexually through:

1.Masturbation

2.Sex with women

3.Sex with men

4.Voyeurism

5.Other (describe below).

i am most fulfilled in my cross-dressing in two ways.  The first being masturbation and the second is S/M.

i would like to experience sex with women and with men while dressed, i however lack the confidence.

My favorite sexual fantasy is: Dinner date with a good looking man and then being taken somewhere unknown to me for sexual encounter with people i don’t know.                  

Oct 16^th 2001              i call into the dungeon early in the day for instructions. 

Upon arrival at the dungeon, i greet Mistress Tara’s feet by kneeling down and kissing the toes of Her shoes.

In a brief conversation about Miss Vera’s school, Mistress Tara states “i’ll give you what i want you to accomplish with the – you MUST be more feminine”.

i am presented with my current list of tasks and Mistress Tara chimes in with “Oh by the way…”.   To this point, i had been exempted from stripping steel office furniture and refinishing it.  That exemption has come to an end.  On Thursday, i am to start the work.  i will do just about anything for Mistress Tara.

i preparation for this work, i start to clear out Mistress Tara’s office.

After a long evening of packing boxes and moving, i kiss Mistress Tara’s feet and head home.

Oct 17^th 2001              i go to Home Depot to pickup supplies for my new task in girl-mode.  i am dressed in normal street clothes but feel the feeling of being feminine. 

Not being on my home turf, i try to create feminine gestures with out being too clunky.  Does it work?  Probably not, but its fun.

Oct 18^th 2001              Going the dungeon, i look forward to starting my new task.  First i change light bulbs all over the dungeon and then gather my tools and go up stairs to work.

After several hours of work mechanically stripping the finishing the office furniture, i am filthy.  i am coved with small specs of green paint and black dust.   Speaking with Mistress Tara by phone, She will be here shortly so i get showered. 

After an inspection of my work and planning for where these items might go, Mistress Tara states authoritatively, “Home Jeeves”.

Stopping to get Mistress Tara Her favorite ice cream, i call from the store to ask permission to get something to drink for myself.

i kiss Mistress Tara’s feet and say good night.

Getting in bed at 3am, i feel like i’m doing something that feels so right.  i’m being of service to someone who deserves it.

i’ve always had a bumpy time with vanilla relationships where the two individuals are equals.  In an S/M relationship, the two people are not equals, there is a top and a bottom.  The top makes the decisions and the bottom does what is required.  This feels right to me.  With the right person it is right for me.

i feel it is proper that i have ask permission for some of the basics of life, to get something to drink, to go to the restroom, to eat and for lots of other things.  Most times Mistress Tara grants permission without hesitation.  Sometimes She finds Her evil grin and gives me something that i must do to earn what i’ve asked for.  Sometimes She just says NO and gives no reason what so ever.

Mistress Tara never really told me i needed to ask permission for these types of things, i simply got the impression early on that it was the respectful thing to do.

There was a time, sitting in the Las Vegas airport smoking section at about 2am, when i asked permission to use the restroom.  i got the strangest look from a woman who was clearly listening to our conversation.  Mistress Tara, glanced over at her and granted me permission.  As i went off to the restroom i noticed that Mistress Tara and the woman who was listening exchanged glances as if to acknowledge the proper order of things.

Oct 19^th 2001              With no sleep in me i feel pretty good, tired but good.

Oct 20^th 2001              Away for the weekend, as i get ready to go out for dinner by myself, i notice that my waist has a really a nice indentation from my nightly corseting.  The corseting has gone on for a long time now.  There have been periods where i wore a corset four to five nights a week.  Sometimes it’s two or three at a maximum.   Tonight i’m wearing a black turtleneck and blue jeans, just normal street clothes and the subtle change is just wonderful.   My clothes are beginning to fit to a ladies figure more than ever before.

Going out to dinner, i go alone, to a local restaurant with a good book.  Seated; i carefully use the female mannerisms that i know…

i sit, brushing the backs of my legs as if i am wearing a skirt, i cross my legs at the ankle and tuck them under at the ankle and sit with my back straight up.  At the table, i arrange my silverware in an appealing way and place the napkin on my lap. 

As i glance around the restaurant, i notice that some people have noticed me.  There is the guy in the hunting jacket who is wondering about who ‘that’ is.  There is the lady in the maroon sweater, who looks on approvingly.  All of this is ok, i guess.  i am going through a major change.  i am beginning to recognize the real sexuality that is deep in side of me.  i’m going to have to learn to accept that some people will not accept me.

After dinner, at home, still in girl mode, i get ready for bed by lacing my corset as tight as i can for sleeping. 

Oct 21^st 2001              Waking up i feel really good and i cant believe that my corset is so tight and that i slept well.

Oct 22^nd 2001             i go to CVS to get my supplies for Thursday in girl-mode.  i feel it.  i purchase enemas for Thursday.   i used to get six, but since Mistress Tara advised me that that i can empty them and use warm water i now get two and reuse them. 

i also get some nail files to take care of my nails.  Some times they chip, so i can file them a little bit and have them look good and not too short.

Writing my current story, i’m at the table, sitting on the front edge of the seat, ankles tucked in to the left, back straight and knees together.  i feel it.

Oct 23^rd 2001              General work around the dungeon then furniture stripping upstairs. 

Oct 25^th 2001              General work around the dungeon then furniture stripping upstairs. 

Oct 31^st 2001              General work around the dungeon then furniture stripping upstairs.  i worked late get first pass done on everything.  Feel pretty alone in this at the moment.