Oct 3rd, 2002 After working for 6 hrs on the closet doors, i come to the end of what i can do on them today.  i built the second set, construction adhesive and wood putty need to dry.

i was instructed to shower, get dressed as the secretary and get to work.  i was to file for Mistress Anna.  i get dressed in my kaki skirt, white twin set, the 'three piece suit', nude stockings and white high heels.

After working for a while, Mistress Anna is busting on me about being a secretary and having to all this mundane work. 

The work is mundane (not complaining), but it is a satisfying.  i did lots of sorting and filing.  By the end of the day, my feet were sore from standing and walking in heels for about 6 hrs. 

Dressing does calm me down.

There have been times lately that feeling of dressing has changed a bit.  Instead of the very erotic 'i'm wearing women's clothes', i'm beginning to feel the gender.  Actually, its more like a 3rd sex.  i know i'll never be a woman and i'm different from most men.  i'm just different.

Oct 4th, 2002 Mistress Tara has suggested on several occasions that i get rid of the gray in my hair.  She said that "no woman would ever let Her hair get that gray".  Today i did it, i got a glazing in a walnut brown.

Oct 5th, 2002 3:05am - its a slippery slope.  While i am not torturing myself, i'm still really confused about where i am going. 

i really have no choice as to whether i am a cross-dresser. i have always been and probably will be for the rest of my life. 

i have felt for a long time that i could move it forward by doing this or that.

When i have asked for permission for these things, Mistress Tara has almost always shot them down in one way or another.  At different times, over the course of about a year and a half, i've asked politely and carefully for makeup lessons, a hand bag, a wig, ladies pants - all shot down.  Mistress Tara did allow me to get an outfit at the beginning of the summer and a jacket and boots last winter.  Each of those conversations were very difficult for me.  i have rehearsed each one in my head before starting it.

At this point i'm scared to ask for anything - there seems to be little point.  i've always tried to not ask for much.  

i guess this is an implied rule versus an explicit rule or maybe She is testing my ability to not go insane.  Sometimes i feel really close to the edge of sanity.

i question my own sanity on a regular basis.  Mostly i just feel stupid.

i really don't even know what the rules are anymore.  i just try to be polite, submissive and efficient.  This seems to work ok, for the most part.  Sometimes it blows up in my face. 

So confused. 

The best thing seems to be - to continue to look inward for what to do each time.

i'm just a stupid asshole who can't even figure out what fuckin gender it is.

alone in the world - just alone.

Oct 7th, 2002 yesterday was the absolute bottom.  i felt horrible for most of the day.  i talked with a friend and am beginning to feel a bit better.

One of the things that has been bothering me is that i feel like i've lost something but couldn't but my finger on it.  Well i found it, its freedom.  Freedom to have sexual relations with anyone.  Someone who is into fetish stuff is gonna say 'you are owned - i'm not gonna touch you' and someone vanilla is gonna say 'yuck'.  i just have to rely on myself for companionship, i'm certainly not gonna trust anyone at this point in my life.

i know i look a little younger with my hair colored, but i feel like the last few weeks have aged me.

Life used to have a sweetness to it, now its pretty bitter.  i'm in trouble.  i'm very sad most of the time and feel like i'm wasting my life.  i feel worthless - like damaged goods.  Nothing is fun anymore.  Does anyone even read this stuff?

After working on the doors for a while, i was instructed to have play time with Mistress Mercy, i couldn't do it.  i was way too upset.

At 2:00 am i called Mistress Tara to leave Her a message asking to talk tomorrow.  To my great surprise, Mistress Tara picked up!  i was at about the bottom.   i was given a direct order to 'stick a smile on my face, stop feeling bad and to get some sleep'.  i was to call in the afternoon to talk.

i'm sure i will be punished for the late call and for letting things get this bad.  i accept it, i doubt anything could be worse than what i was just through.  Mental torture is far worse than physical torture.

Oct 8th 2002 i called Mistress Tara in the afternoon and began to understand how i had blown the whole thing way out of proportion. 

She told me that the ring was so that i would never be alone.

Mistress Tara invited me to come to LA again - i accepted.

Oct 9th 2002 i was traveling, while i was flying i wrote Mistress Tara a letter about how i was feeling and the light went on! 

i finally realized how much i over think things and how many times in my life this has caused me problems.  i way over though this.

i feel like i woke up today!

i called Mistress Tara to give Her the good news.  She seemed happy to hear. 

i bet i'll be tested on this.

Hopefully this will allow me to focus on getting some things done that i haven't come to the bottom line on yet.

Oct 12th 2002 i catch myself over thinking things - i'm learning each step of the way to not do this.  i should finally be able to get some real sleep tonight.

Oct 13th 2002  Mistress Tara said that S/M involved incredible highs and really deep lows.  That was low, really low.

Oct 14th 2002 can't wait to get back to work, going to tomorrow.  If i am to be punished for the things that happened recently, so be it.

It will be interesting to see if i get into over thinking stuff when i'm dressed in women's clothes.

Oct 15th 2002  heading into the city, i caught myself.  i was thinking - what if Mistress Tara doesn't like me, what if She isn't happy with me.  If She isn't i'll find out in time, no need to make my self crazy over it.  Its OK.  This is really relaxing into my role.

After a day and evening of working on the new web server, i accompanied Mistress Tara to dinner. 

Before dinner She took me to the local Duane Reade to get makeup!  Mistress Tara picked out cool some stuff.  She let me get:

Revlon New Complexion Powder

Revlon Colorstay Makeup (Foundation)

Revlon One-step Makeup (Foundation and Powder)

Maybelline Great Lash Mascara

She did a quick test of my new makeup and went to dinner.  She told me - if there was more time I would take you out made up, however there just isn't.  i was told that i was not to use them until i got a formal makeup lesson in LA.

At dinner, Mistress Tara allowed me to order what ever food i wanted.  She and i had conversation on many subjects, all of interest to Her.  All very interesting.

Many directives regarding my work, internet and construction related.

Oct 23rd 2002 i take an early morning flight to LA so that i can be at Mistress Tara's side.  i had some business to take care of in LA and Mistress Tara told me that things would become very formal after my business was taken care of.

Oct 24th 2002 Mistress Tara instructs me to give the kitchen a good cleaning and then we will go out for dinner.  With the kitchen clean, Mistress Tara directs me to a great Sushi restaurant in West Hollywood.  The absolute best sushi i have ever had.

Oct 25th 2002 With my business taken care of, my service starts when i get back to Mistress Tara's home.  i was a 2 1/2 hour commute in the legendary LA traffic to get to Mistress Tara.

slave tina's new nightie

Service started off with laundry, i did all of the laundry in the house and then made Mistress Tara dinner.  More cleaning.

Late in the evening, i accompanied Mistress Tara on a trip to The Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica Blvd in LA.  She instructed me the get a pink nightie and a new butt plug.  Butt plug training is to resume immediately.  As well, i am to sleep in my new nightie.

The pink is cathartic in a way.  Being a cross dresser one would think that i have worn pink before, but this is the first time.

Oct 26th 2002 today i start my service as Mistress Tara's maid.  i will be corseted for a week and be in ladies attire for most of the time.

This will be my first experience with real domestic service.  Corseting will be 23/7.  i'm told that i am only allowed to take my corset off to shower and possibly for water related activities..

Fully dressed in my maids uniform, i prepare an omelet for Mistress Tara.  This will be the second time i have cooked for Her - i hope She likes it.

Going shopping for groceries, i wore my lingerie under my clothes.  corset, bra, garter, stockings and ruffled panties.  my waist was tucked in by the corset - i think i got some looks.  a guy put his hand on my shoulder - i wonder if he felt my bra strap.

After a long day serving Mistress Tara's needs, my corset really hurts.  It feels like it is stuck to my skin in places.  By the end of the day i had cleaned the bathroom, made several trips to the store, taken Mistress Tara on errands and cooked dinner.  i had also prepared food for the next few days.  About 6 hours of that was in high heels and all of it was corseted.  Long day.

While Mistress Tara was busy with other things, i was instructed to go back to The Pleasure Chest to get a leather bra She wanted and a cane.  Mistress Tara said i was due 20 or 30 lashes already.

After a long day of cooking and cleaning and running around LA with Mistress Tara, i'm tired and dismissed for bed.  Tonight its a real 8 hours sleep.

i wore my corset, bra, garter and stockings all day.  By the end of the day, on my second or third trip to the grocery store, my corset was really biting into my left side.

slave tina bids Mistress Tara's feet 'good night'

Getting ready for bed i loosen my corset and am able to get relief.  Mistress Tara told me that i would only be allowed out of my corset to shower.

i'm wearing my white corset (loose), white panties, my new pink nightie and my collar.

i kiss Mistress Tara's feet goodnight and am dismissed for the evening.

Oct 27th 2002 up and getting ready for work, i dress in my normal maid's uniform as before.  my second day of corseting. 

This time is a little different - i'm to start wearing a butt plug when in uniform.  Its been more than a year and a half since i've been plugged and it feels good.  The last one was pretty big, the new one is narrow and long and bright red.  i'm happy that it has come back into my life.

Its going to take a bit of getting used to for sitting and moving around but i'm very happy that i am allowed to do this again.

Right now i have to sit on one cheek of my butt so that its not uncomfortable that will change.

Making Mistress Tara breakfast, i carefully prepare all of the ingredients so that i am ready to cook when she wakes up.

As Mistress Tara rises from sleep, i prepare Her breakfast and serve it to Her in bed. 

After breakfast, i spend lots more time cleaning and straightening.

Later in the day, a friend of Mistress Tara's arrives and i am told to let Him in and offer Him a seat.

Still in uniform, i keep cleaning and try to be generally out of sight.  i feel a little embarrassed, ya know, here i am in full uniform and am on my knees cleaning the kitchen floor.  He was ok, with it.  He was definitely into the scene.

Changing into street clothes so that i can take Mistress Tara out for errands, i am instructed to remove my butt plug harness this time.  Seemingly that will not always be the case. 

Back from errands, my corset has loosened up, i ask permission to tighten it.  Its been pretty tight for a while now and it feels good.

i am finding this life of service to Mistress Tara to be satisfying.  When i'm serving, its not about me.  i move out of myself and do my best for Mistress Tara.

i've made some mistakes with food preparation today.  i'm sure i will be reminded of my mistakes soon.

Mistress Tara informs me that She has an early morning, so its early to bed for Her.

Since i am still in street clothes (with lingerie underneath), i take off the bra and stockings and garter and loosen my corset then its off to bed for me.

Oct 28th 2002 up early i am ready to cook for my owner at the designated time.

This morning i used some body lotion on area where my corset has been biting, so far it feels pretty good.  My feet are hurting - its my third day in heels.  Its also the start of my third day laced down in my corset.

For the few minutes i had my corset off, i could see the sculpting that had taken place.  it was beautiful.  my abdomen was much tighter and i was standing taller. Corseting for long periods of time makes you very aware of your abdomen muscles.  There were plenty of beautiful red lines.

While i was cooking breakfast, the smoke detector went off.  i'm sure i was like Lucy Ricardo trying to figure out how to turn it off.

After i serve Mistress Tara breakfast i prepare more vegetables and give the kitchen a good cleaning.

After the kitchen is clean from breakfast, i scrub the counter and the stove.  i make sure all of the dishes are in the dish washer.  i have a small amount of down time.  i'm not sure which is better standing (my feet hurt) or sitting (butt plug).

Running errands mid morning, this time i am to stay plugged.

Back from errands i am to switch to secretarial work.  Dressed in the same lingerie and with a white blouse and black skirt i am to sort, file and take care of correspondence.

After that its on to internet work.  i've been plugged for about 8 hours now and is getting a little sore.

slave tina trying on shoes in LA

The plug has slipped out a couple of times today, once in the Office Depot store.  A quick adjustment fixed it.

In the evening i went shoe shopping with Mistress Tara.  i was allowed to get my first pair of fetish shoes.  Mistress Tara made all of the choices.  She picked three pair for me to try on. 

The first pair were black platform pumps with a great ankle strap.  Mistress Tara was concerned about my height.  Towering over the Mistress and all....

Mistress Tara did allow me to get a cool pair of black high heel sandals with a 4 or 5 inch heel and a slight platform. 

slave tina's new shoes

my new shoes are open toe, made of patent leather and pretty comfortable.

Back at Mistress Tara's home, i am taught how to fold Mistress Tara's laundry in the proper way.  i had learned how to fold towels properly early in the day.  i straightened the bathroom, kitchen, the living room and made Mistress Tara some food.

For Mistress Tara's last meal of the day, She was quite critical of how i was cooking a certain portion.  When the meal arrived, She said "Oh this is pretty good"!

At 1 am or so, my final instructions for the day are:

1. i am to remove the plug

2. for tonight, sleep on couch cushions on the floor in the living room

3. work on an internet problem

4. be up at 9:15 to start preparing breakfast

Today i had about 14 hours in heels and about 18 hours in corset and butt plug.  Long day.

Oct 29th 2002 when i get in the morning i do the usual shower and dress i'm a little sore from a long day yesterday. 

When i remove my corset for showering i see a small red welt on my left side where it has been digging in.  Its about a inch long and the thickness of a pencil.  i'm sure it w ill get bigger.

i put on my stockings and the first part of the butt plug harness, the part that has a rubber O ring to go around my genitals.  i use some hand cream first and it goes right on.  Yesterday was a real challenge, i put it on after the corset.

Carefully putting my corset back on, i find the spots where it has been sitting and snug it down tight.  This time i put on the corset a little higher up so that it doesn't dig into my genitals as badly.

As i reinsert my plug for the day, my butt is sore, this is really gonna hurt after a while.

When i put my high heels on my feet are sore.  After moving around to get breakfast together for Mistress Tara, i feel a bit better.

The corset is much better today.  Its a little higher up and i can sit for longer periods of time.

After cleaning up breakfast, i was told to go to Mistress Tara's new residence and work on the internet.  After a number of hours, i was told to come back and prepare another meal for Mistress Tara. 

In the evening, Mistress Tara wanted to go to a movie.  Mistress Tara wanted to see 'Ghost Ship', a grade B horror film.  She hoped it would improve Her mood.

As i was preparing to drive Mistress Tara to the movie, i could hear the whoosh of a cane in the air.  Mistress Tara was bringing a cane with Her, this cant be good.  i was instructed to bring all of the usual things, plus the cane.

After the movie Mistress Tara was in a slightly better mood and wanted to go for a drive up into the hills above LA.

As i drove, Mistress Tara said - I need do talk and you need to listen.

Do you remember when I told you that i would never strike you in anger?  She said.

yes Mistress Tara.

Well I'm not angry any more.  Can you drive with your left hand?  Mistress Tara said in Her most stern way.

yes Mistress Tara.

Then do it and get your right hand out of the way.

As i was driving with just my left hand, we went up and up the twisted roads streets of the Hollywood Hills.  The turns were tight and the road was steep.  To the left was were the lights of LA.

As i drove Mistress Tara had me review my day.  She had me go over it i GREAT detail.  As the details emerged She hit me with the cane.  She drilled me for the details, as the details came out, She said - "What do i hate the most? - To have my time wasted!"

She hit me and hit me and hit me on my right thigh.  She wasn't angry but i could tell that She was really frustrated. 

i frustrated Her.

i had missed a major directive.  i was to get up in the morning and work on the internet problem.  Instead i go dressed in my uniform and made Her breakfast.  i understood.

Mistress Tara probably hit me 60 times.

When Mistress Tara was satisfied with me understanding what i did, She said - Turn the car around and I want you to get home with out help.  On my last trip to LA with Mistress Tara, i got TOTALLY lost.  We past Little Tokyo 3 times,  but that was a year ago.

This time, i was in the moment and i carefully got us home with out missing a turn.  At one point, i said to Mistress Tara, i think i should turn left here.  She said - then do it.

Later i apologized for my mistake.  Mistress Tara told me She was proud of me for getting us home with out a hitch.

Mistress Tara and i discussed how i get when i'm dressed, She said last trip that i am less submissive when i'm dressed.  i can see what she means.  There are times, especially when i am corseted for a long time that i get really spacey.  i get a little short of breath and really space.  It is especially bad when i'm plugged.

Marks from slave tina's corset

This time i was corseted for 3 days with 2 days of being plugged.  It was the longest ever and i was showing the signs.

When we got home, i was told that i was to remove my plug and corset.  i was to sleep in just my nightie.  i would be told when i could wear women's clothes again.

As i removed my corset, i could see that the lines from the corset stays where pretty serious.  i asked Mistress Tara if She would please take pictures.

The red marks on my hip and thigh are from my corset rubbing.  They didn't really hurt they just look nasty.

As i begin to breathe in and out normally i feel the muscles in my abdomen, they are sore - very sore.  Its like i've been doing sit ups for three days.

Oct 30th 2002 no women's clothes today.  i had a very busy day running errands and cooking and cleaning up for the move. 

At 11:00am am Mistress Cheryl Kahn was to arrive to discuss the photo shoot tomorrow. 

Mistress Cheryl doing CBT on slave tina

i prepare and serve breakfast to both Mistress Tara and Mistress Cheryl as they discuss the shoot.

After plans for the shoot were complete, Mistress Cheryl asked Mistress Tara if She could borrow me for some practice.  She wanted to practice Her caning, Her flogging and Her CBT.

As the practice session got started, Mistress Tara didn't like my tone, so She decided to move right to the caning.  i was to get 30 lashes with the cane for my tone

Mistress Tara and Mistress Cheryl

As Mistress Tara started of at a medium level for a warm up, i was reminded of my place in Mistress Tara's world.  As the words of the reminder intensified, so the lashes with the cane.  At about 25 lashes, each one began to really hurt.

Some of the lashes had such a resonating sting that i had to give a groan or a deep sigh.  Mistress Tara said to Mistress Cheryl, he is such a drama queen.

After the caning and the flogging, it was on to CBT train.  Mistress Tara reviews the procedure for torturing a man's genitals.  Mistress Tara mentioned to Mistress Cheryl that i had been tortured my 9 Mistresses one night.

As the rope tightened i felt a surge of excitement.  Mistress Tara explained that if the slave is not hard when the Mistress applies the rope to the penis, the slave will get hard and soft and hard several times.  If the slave is hard, the rope will fall off when he gets soft. 

Mistress Cheryl shows off Her work

Mistress Tara demonstrated how to flick a slave's balls and find a nerve.  This can really hurt.  Mistress Cheryl moved around my balls, flicking to find the nerve.

After a short time She found it and i lurched with pain.

Psychologically it felt really erotic to be controlled by Mistress Tara and Mistress Cheryl. 

Physically it felt really great, every thing was constricted and tight with no room to move.

Very late that evening Mistress Tara and i spoke of my femininity and me possibly taking a more feminine role.  It was very interesting to approach this topic - a little scary though. 

Oct 31st 2002 i very busy day ahead.  my day was loaded with cleaning for the move, cooking and serving meals to Mistress Tara, work on the internet, working the photo shoot and planning tomorrows move.

At the end of the day Mistress Tara gave me specific instructions that i was to prepare breakfast before the movers arrived and to serve it to Her when they were finished packing the kitchen.