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Journal of Submission
Sept 1st, 2002 i felt very
distracted today. Sometimes i feel really grounded yet at other
times i feel really spacey. Some times i get a definite spike of
pain, sometimes its just sore, sometimes i don't even feel the piercing.
Sept 2nd,2002 i feel pretty good to day. So far it was a pretty good day.
Just a few days after the event, i feel pretty good.
i took some pictures of the
piercing.
This first one shows Mistress Tara's work
shaving me. She shaved me at midnight on the 29th.
i was very surprised at how comfortable it
is to be completely shaved.
i first shaved my balls on a really hot day
last month and it felt great.
Here is a picture of the from view of my
piercing. Every move i make can feel that i submit to Mistress
Tara. Every step, every time i sit down, every tim e i go the restroom, there it is.
The next picture is the rear view.
Sometimes this is really comfortable, some times not. Most times
when i sit down, i feel it move out of the way. Sometimes when i
sit down i feel it not move out of the way.
It is constant reminder of my submission to
Mistress Tara.
This really feels right, that i have a
constant reminder from Mistress Tara. Its really a great gift
from Mistress Tara.
i adore Mistress Tara more every day.
Sept 3rd, 2002 Today i did
something totally weird for me; i called in sick to work. i just
couldn’t do it, i didn’t sleep well and just needed some real down
time. i needed a day off from everything.
Sitting down on the toilet is tedious,
everything in the area of the piercing stretches. Cleaning difficult
too, i try to ‘wipe like a girl’ as Mistress Anna explained. It
hurts and i have to be really careful.
Sept 4th, 2002 7:00
am Heading to work – i know this is going to be a rough day so i start
off with 3 Advil with breakfast.
8:30 am. First day back at work
after the piercing. Taking the train and then the Path was tough
but instead of walking the 6 blocks to work i took a cab. Getting
into the cab really pulled and stretched the piercing wound. i’m
gonna be really sore by the end of the day.
10:00 am Sitting at my
workstation; i can feel the piercing every time i move. More
Advil in a little bit.
1:30 pm took 3 more Advil with lunch
and feel ok, sensitive and ok.
By the end of the day i feel ok.
i sent Mistress Tara, an email asking
permission to hold off on the enemas for my weekly cleansing for a
while. i’m concerned that i will contaminate my piercing. i
didn’t get a response, so i have to make a decision
Sept 5th, 2002
my piercing is really sore today.
It’s amazing how some of the feelings
that i have had (and repressed) for years about relationships in my
life are now amplified. Everything seems changed.
Awhile back Mistress Tara told me that
i could make decisions about things that affected Her – if the decision
i made was wrong, i would be punished. i made the decision to
hold off on my Thursday enema, at least for today.
The feeling in my genitals from my new
piercing is occasional sharp pain, sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a
tingling in my ball like i just masturbated.
Masturbation is totally different,
much more erotic. After a good one some times my balls tingled,
now they tingle most of the time.
i had the delight to see
Mistress Tara for a few minutes today, She was very kind in asking
about my piercing and if i was cleaning it.
Sept 6th, 2002 the
piercing is pretty sore, but more manageable.
Sept 8th, 2002 the
pain is beginning to subside, its not a constant soreness like it
was. i went for a short bike ride and it wasn’t too bad.
By bed time – the bike ride was a big
mistake, my ass is really sore.
Sept 9th, 2002 My
ass is really sore from the ride.
Sept 10th, 2002
General soreness in my butt, a bit less than yesterday.
Sept 11th, 2002 i
had been on edge for several days and realized that i wasn’t breathing
the way Mistress Tara had taught me during times when my piercing
hurt. i also wasn’t keeping up with my Advil. With those
things fixed, i feel a bit better today, still sore but better.
Sept 12th, 2002 i’m
getting used to handling the pain from the piercing. It’s more
uncomfortable now with less sharp pain. The sharp pains do come
on occasion, however its more like and ache most of the time.
Breathing correctly and Advil help.
The tingling in my balls sometimes is
more like a dull radiating pain.
At the dungeon i was to work on the
web site. i had a quick discussion with Mistress Anna about the
question ‘are ‘ladies’ allowed to have bare legs in this office?’
She said the answer was yes so i’m wearing my summer outfit. It’s
a kaki skirt, a white twin set and tan open toe strappy sandals.
i’m also wearing my corset, long line bra and white panties and my ever
present collar.
i know for a fact that ‘ladies’ in the
part of the company that i work in are specifically not allowed to wear
pants or flat shoes.
At the end of the evening, i was given
some playtime with Mistress Mariah.
Entering the cross dressing room, i kneel in
the cente r awaiting the Mistress.
Mistress Mariah arrived with a heavy
brown flogger and a cane. She said i was to get 50 lashes with
the flogger and 25 lashes with the cane.
i was told to position the spanking
bench in front of the closet so the i could contemplate my work as a
simple slave while i was being punished.
Mistress Mariah's work with the
flogger was extraordinary. She warmed me up  with about 10 lashes
and then began to wail. When She could tell i was on the edge,
She would stop and caress where she had just hit me.
After She was satisfied with the
flogging, She moved on the to cane. i was to get 25 lashes with
the can. She started off warming me up by hitting me softly, as
She started hitting me harder i began to count the lashes with cane
off. One, Two.. up to Fifteen when they were starting to get
REALLY hard. By 25 lashes i was really feeling it.
As an added bonus, Mistress Mariah
gave me 10 hard spanks.
By the end i was hard as a rock.
Sept 13th, 2002
on reading email in the morning, Mistress Tara had send me the
following:
From : MssTara8@aol.com
To : slave_1407@hotmail.com
Subject : No Subject
Date : Fri, 13 Sep 2002 02:52:35 EDT
Dearest tina,
I am surprised and disappointed to discover that you once again have
updated a page without working from the most recent page on the server,
thereby deleting My work. It is not so much of an inconvenience as it
is a nuisance, as I have saved the page
Furthermore, The video store is not what we discussed. My concerns
regarding both these blunders is what is driving you to do this, since
it is not incompetence. You are an intelligent and able slave. This is
obviously an attempt to get my attention. I will tell you only once -
this is not the way.
If you wish to spend more time basking in My Aura you will need to
adjust your lifestyle and priorities in such a way to be more at my
beck and call. If you are unable to do this at this time you'll
just have to suffer My absences without these little tantrums.
I will not be punishing you (In the corporal sense of the word) as that
will only reinforce this negative behavior. Rather, I will leave you to
stew in your own juices. I'm sure that you will be infinitely more
capable then I; in this instance, of torturing yourself; as you have so
much more practice at doing this. And while normally I protect you from
such behavior; in this rare occasion you are granted permission to do
to yourself, your very worst.
You will, of course, post this immediately on the website with a formal
apology to further add to your humiliation and torment.
Never yours,
Mistress Tara
i'm
completely devastated. What could i have done wrong? i'm
told that i wrote over edits that Mistress Tara made to the home
page. The information speaks for its self. Didn't mean too,
i specifically thought about downloading the current version - i guess
i didn't. The information speaks for its self.
What follows is my letter of apology:
From : "tina
spencer" <slave_1407@hotmail.com>
To : MssTara8@aol.com
Subject : apology
Date : Fri, 13 Sep 2002 21:47:53 -0400
Dear Mistress Tara,
i am enormously sorry for my errors in updating Your website.
i have turned myself inside out trying to understand just where i went
wrong. i have yet to find the problem, yet will cover all avenues to
try and resolve what i did inside myself.
i am very disappointed in myself and my work in causing You this
problem. i feel as i have become a burden to You and have held You back
from greater things.
Mistress Tara, You mean so much to this slave. You have shown me the
joy of being Your slave and rewards of slavery.
It is not my intent to gain Your attention through lame mistakes such
as this. i know You have better things to do than edit my work. It is
my intent however, to reorganize my life such that i can be of my
greatest value to You.
i am hopeful that You will accept this letter of apology and forgive me
for these mistakes.
Your self deprecating and discouraged slave,
tina
Sept 14th, 2002
from Mistress Tara, i am shredded:
| From :MssTara8@aol.com
To : slave_1407@hotmail.com
Dearest tina,
Your mistakes are not what concerns me. you are human, you are a slave, and,
unfortunately or fortunately; you are a man. you will make mistakes - you
will be forgiven.
The reasons you make mistakes are of more importance to me then the mistakes
themselves; they suggest your motives. It is human nature to be selfish and
I, as your Mistress must endeavor to recondition you. This is, at many times,
difficult for both of us. But I do not wish you ever to feel that you are a
burden to me. That is not your judgment to make and it is untrue.
You may have misunderstood one of My previous comments. When I told you that
you had a pure soul, it was neither a compliment nor an insult; It was simply
the truth. I should have corrected you, but I know that often times a slave
needs positive reinforcement, so I allowed you that illusion. I must now
shatter it.
A "pure soul" is a child's soul which, in it's nature, is quite selfish. The
advantage it offers me is that it can be molded. With proper love and
discipline it can be taught right from wrong. That is why I did not want your
soul subjected to deviousness. This quality cannot be unlearned and is
undesirable in a slave.
Selflessness, on the other hand, can be taught but only by growing the child
soul up and showing it it's own selfishness. I know this is quite painful and
it is a lesson we have visited before. Likely, we will visit again. But it is
a necessary lesson
I know you sincerely believe in your heart that these small crimes are not
intentional. And that is because of your "child's soul". But, it is not until
you can step out of yourself and see the patterns in your behavior that you
will be able to earnestly correct them. You wrote:
It is not my intent to gain Your attention through lame mistakes such as
this. i know You have better things to do than edit my work. It is my intent
however, to reorganize my life such that i can be of my greatest value to
You.
This is a two fold error. First- you are mistaken, and secondly, you are
correcting Me.
1) We always do exactly what we intend. It is specifically when we act without
forethought that we show our truest intentions.
2) You are not truly apologizing if you do so while explaining how the other
person has misunderstood.
I want you to know that it pains me deeply that you are torturing yourself. A
Mistress always feels Her slaves pain, and even masochist that I am; I don't
envy you on this one:) Unfortunately, I will have to let you continue until I
am satisfied that you have learned what you need to learn. Learn it quickly,
that we may both stop suffering.
As to the mundane issues of the actual mistakes; I will write you shortly
about them and I'm sure they will be quickly remedied.
Never yours,
Mistress Tara
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Sept 17th,
2002
i am incredibly stressed out from some things going on in my personal
life in combination with the new events with Mistress Tara.
On a somewhat
brighter note, from some experiences in my personal life, i have a
learned a bit more about judging character and how amazingly evil
people can be.
Mistress Tara
and i have talked about relationships and intimacy - right now i need
to de-stress and understand what Mistress Tara wants me to
do. i really don't see any kind of vanilla relationship in the
future - mostly i just want to be alone. Besides who would really
want to be with me anyway. i'm just a cheezy cross dresser and
i'm really not very good and it either.
i feel dirty,
the kind you can't wash off.
i can't imagine suffering through the awful
pain of a vanilla relationship again.
i cry most days.
Sept 19th,
2002 very timidly worked around the dungeon and on the web, trying
hard not to get in trouble. When i was dressed as tina (working
on the web) i felt a little better. Still very unsure of myself -
given the circumstances.
Sept 22nd,
2002 after trying many times to get through to Mistress Tara, i get
through. i review my plans for the closet doors and ask
permission to take a makeup lesson on Thursday. The makeup lesson
was previously discussed.
BAD
idea. It did not go over well at all. Mistress Tara said in
a very sharp tone, "I'll have to think about that - Call me
Tuesday." And She hung up.
Sept 23rd,
2002 with the constant ache from my piercing and not knowing what
i did wrong for Mistress Tara, i am totally stressed out. i feel
like i'm about to crack some times.
Many times i
feel stupid and like a fool. Very confused.
Sept
24th,2002 i called Mistress Tara and left the message:
Hello
Mistress Tara, its tina calling, i think i made a mistake in asking to
take the makeup lesson. i can see how You would find that to be
selfish in that it takes my focus off of my work. i apologize to
You and ask to withdraw that request. i hope this isn't a mistake
also, if it is could You please advise me? i'm lost, out of steam
and lost. Thank You.
my voice was
halting and
pained. i was near tears through the entire message. i
listened to it and re-recorded it three times.
i feel
worthless and stupid.
It was a
beautiful day, i went to a park where i knew i could be alone and had a
really hard cry. i just wanted to hide.
Sept 25th,
2002 feel horrible. Worthless and burned out. Many
times retreating to my cross dressing helps when i feel bad, i don't
even want to do that right now. i wish it wasn't even there, at
the moment its a huge burden. Its just like the old days when i
felt dirty and would throw everything away.
i had really
hoped that the piercing would bring me a period of relative peace,
instead i get to question my own sanity. i feel like shit.
At 7:06PM my cell phone rings, its
Mistress Tara! She tells me that She got my message; you learned
your lesson, all is forgiven.
i'm shaking, cold and exhausted, but feel
some relief. This one
really stung.
Sept 26th, 2002 after the first
decent night sleep i've had in a couple of weeks, i'm going to the
dungeon to build the closet doors. Its probably gonna be a tough
day, i have to use power tools and really focus.
i don't really care if there is playtime or
time for tina, actually i hope there isn't time for any of that.
Hard day! i arrived at the dungeon to
make the closet doors.
After a very full day of creating closet
doors, i am allowed to work on the web as tina. Under times of
great stress, i always feel better when i dress.
After several hours of work, i am allowed
to clean up and go home. i feel a little better. Dressing
in women's clothes almost always makes me feel better.
Sept 27th, 2002 on Mistress Amanda's
suggestion, i rented and watched the movie 'Ed Wood'. i thought i
was the only one who felt like this.
Sept 30th, 2002 feel horrible.
my self esteem is at its lowest point it years. i feel like,
every time this kind of thing happens, Mistress Tara peels back a layer
just like an onion. Each time She does, She exposes a new layer
of pain that i have been carrying around. If that is true, She
sure found a big one this time. This isn't going away anytime
soon.
In a certain respect this is a good thing,
but right now it doesn't feel like it. i have very little
interest in things i used to enjoy. i am in full retreat into
myself.
In conversation with Mistress Tara, She
instructed me that i am to stop torturing myself immediately. It
is inappropriate.
i felt better quickly.
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